Underwater

These days I feel really misunderstood, maybe it's because I'm too straight forward when I talk, or maybe it's because I don't sound friendly. I don't even understand how I manage to offend people sometimes, is it poor body language, a bad tone? Do I sound insincere? It's so hard to pretend to care about something when I really don't, I've never been able to do it.

Sometimes it feels like I'm building armour, these days I take so much crap sometimes I just block the emotion out. It's great for analysing, but god it feels like I'm dying inside. It feels like there is one world where everyone else is living, and another world where I am living. I'm tired, and frankly speaking kind of lonely these days. I try so hard on some things, and there are just a whole load of people out there just living their lives, moving on the treadmill of life, they just get by and thats it, they just get by. There is just this huge feeling of disconnect.

When did it become like this? It feels like one part of me is advancing, and another part of me is slowly dying. Somebody once told me that I have a very hard time expressing myself, used to be that I didn't need to express myself, people would just be around. But these days, when I try to talk, I don't know, maybe it's because of the topics I like to talk about, or maybe it's because I'm trying too hard to change. Sometimes people tell me I look slightly intimidating, especially when I'm trying to put on a good impression. I've heard this from many people, but when I try and be approachable the feeling I get is that people think I'm being pretentious. It feels like I'm drowning, the harder I try the deeper I go.

Is it so hard for people to understand? Especially people who used to know me, I am not like that. I am not arrogant, I am not pretentious, I say what I feel. I don't play politics, I'm not the type to play a character that I'm not.

Sigh, these days I just feel so misunderstood.